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i keep being told that i need to journal every week (if not every day) and now i think i need to do it simply to keep up with everything going on.
it's been a pretty crazy week. mainly from the trip to maryland and hearing everything that happened with avery and drew and our family being put....not in the middle, but...in an odd situation from it all.
D reached out to avery to see if he might be able to help her and drew with what was going on in their marriage. not to tell their business, but a few months ago, he assaulted her pretty badly. he is ex special forces and knows how to do damage. he did. dragging her down a hallway by her ponytail, leg sweeping her while holding her by her ponytail to put her on her knees, punching her in the face. it is disgusting. he 'claims' that she also had a part in it and trapped him in a closet and that he wanted to leave, she wouldn't let him, and it triggered him into a PTSD state and he snapped. it doesn't matter that he was in a PTSD state...d has never ever hit a girl he was with. u don't hit ur wife. period. keeping a vow he made at the wedding, d wanted to help so he talked to ave to see if there was anything he could do to help drew. ave said "if there's anyone who can help another man with PTSD, it's you" to him so he contacted drew and from there, our whole family has been helping him under the hope that it would help things and eventually, prayfully, help them reconcile.
drew has become close to us and d has honestly become drew's best friend through this. when word came that avery wanted to divorce him, it put d in a hard position. while he can, it's wrong to just drop drew as a friend because someone he loves decided to divorce drew. hate the sin, not the sinner. so he's walking a very tight rope as best he can. he doesn't want to upset avery and make her think that he is by any means saying that what drew did to her is ok by continuing to help drew with his issues. at the same time he's sick and tired of hearing drew talk about avery all the fucking time.
so, it's been rough on everyone in the house. especially me since i can see both sides of the issue. PTSD does not make it right to hit someone, and it's not an excuse, yet it is an extenuating circumstance.
this week was crazy. monday drew talked about avery the whole time on the way up to MD. monday night was amazing hanging out with loving friends. avery and erin for dinner and then going back to mike and erin's house for a bit. tuesday was a never ending day from hell. being in the courtroom, sitting in a row between avery and drew was very fitting. while sitting right behind avery, taylor was going CRAZY wanting to be with her and give her support. after being found guilty and getting three years probation, drew was unexpectedly arrested in the courtroom for another warrant...a fight..where he refused to press charges and the other guy did even though drew did nothing wrong. instead of going home, it was lookign like a trip to rockville, spending the night there, then back to towson for him to check in and finally back home. it worked out that drew was released that same day in baltimore, the night was spent in the same hotel, and then it was a late start driving home since it took hours for drews probation to get set up on wednesday morning.
FINALLY with d home on wednesday night and everyone ready to go to sleep, yet another unexpected stressor happened that i won't talk about right now. thursday morning it was off to the doctor bright and early and then friday was an appt with deidre.
drew asked to spend the night with us on saturday night because he needs to practice hockey for a game he's playing in dallas on april 10th. there's a rec league that plays at 10pm every night in matthews but it's a 90 min drive from his house and only 20 min from our house. so, he asked if he could spend the night and of course it's no big deal. well...it was a big deal with d. he's had no downtime and with all the stress he's been under and being "in the middle", he was happy to help as always, but when drew started talking about avery again, he almost snapped. thankfully this morning tammy helped out and told drew that d needed time to decompress from everything and needed a couple of days to himself. drew was very gracious about it and went home to have lunch with his family (like they were planning on doing).
i loved their wedding. and i thought avery was happy and that drew was a stand up guy. i heard stories of him doing bad things but avery said they weren't true. turns out they were. if anyone knows how important and how much of a difference the help of true friends can be, it is me and my brother. and God knows that tammy has a heart to help people that have issues and believes in helping them. being my friend and being married to my brother, she knows first hand what can happen with PTSD and how it can effect people in odd ways and how important it is to set up a support system for them. in fact, our family and friends have welcomed him as one of our own.....NOT forgetting what he did to avery, NOT saying it was ok what he did to Avery, and NOT excusing what he did....simply knowing that we all have made mistakes and that we truly see someone who is sorry beyond words for what he did and he is trying to make himself better. as long as he continues to do that, we will continue to help him....after all....i would'nt be alive right now if someone didn't help me.
drew was in the army for 6 years. then he was in walter reed for FOUR YEARS from injuries he recieved in the war which required dozens of surgeries. but he decided to "pay it forward". he loves hockey and used his passion for hockey to create a charity for disabled veterans called "U.S.A. Warriors Hockey". all of the players have lost a limb...some of them are double amputees. and they are out there skating and playing (some on sleds) having their lives back thanks to drew. again, that will NEVER excuse what he did to avery...it just shows that he tried to do good things with gifts God gave him. it's too bad he spent more time caring for the charity than he cared for our friend.
so all of this has been stressful on our household. it's been odd and hard for everyone. and unless the charity or a miracle picks up, there will be more hardship to come in a few weeks.
dr. konzer was supposed to get back with me a week or two ago about setting up a meeting to set some goals for the charity for me to work on but i never heard from her. without something soon, i think the charity will be dead. right now it is barely hanging on with life support and will go under unless something happens soon. d made a great point today...sponsors spend so much money on nascar.....why wouldn't just one of them donate a quarter of what they give to a nascar team to our charity and help lives?
i think the past few weeks have made me want to re-dedicate myself to the charity.
i haven't cared about much the past few weeks. very apathetic...very sad, very upset and even suicidal (not that i told anyone). even now it's all i can do not to find something sharp and make myself bleed to help me feel better. but i don't.
i thought that speaking to Sunpath a couple weeks ago was going to be a huge turning point for me and be the spring board i need to help motivate me and give me a feeling of inspiration to continue with the book and the charity. it didn't happen. i don't have anyone giving me any support with it. no one helps with ideas, no one gives me things to do, mentions any suggestions...nothing. and that doesn't help me be creative. if i don't have someone help me with this, someone to help drive me and be creative and help get me in gear, it will all be an epic fail.
with everything going on and not having enough money lately i haven't been able to see my therapist in a couple weeks. that's not helping anything. i NEED to see her. i just can't go. and of course i don't get to see dr. konzer as often as i need to with her being part time now. thankfully i am scheduled to see her on thursday morning and it can't come soon enough. it's taken four and a half months, but i FINALLY ran out of my RX of ativan. i don't take it nearly like i'm supposed to but that's ok. case in point....my RX was for 1mg of ativan, each was dose was supposed to be 1 and a half pills. that makes 45 doses that usually takes me 60 days to go through. yet it took me over twice as long to use it cos i usually forget to take it.
in the never ending saga of "let's find something wrong in my bloodwork", the last bloodtest i had two weeks ago had something bad in it. my doctors office called me last week and wanted me to come in ASAP but dr. jayne is on vacation so i have to wait til after this upcoming week. i'm to the point where i don't worry about what it is. hormones, bone density, triglycerides..it's always something now and i'm starting to worry more and take it more seriously. i've always worried about my mental health, now i need to pay attention to my bodys health because i think my mental health is taking a toll on my physical health.
ok. i'm glad i finally got to journal a bit. even though it's not all about what's going on with me, this is all taking a huge toll on me too. it is on our family.
wow. i'm proud of myself for journaling awhile. it feels good. i'm hungry. i'm almost never hungry anymore but i'm hungry now. hopefully tam will pick everyone up some dinner on the way home from work.
in a little over an hour i have to go see dr. konzer. it'll be a pretty normal visit because i'm pretty normal today. depressed but nothing out of the ordinary. it's probably why i don't journal nearly like i'm supposed to. there's nothing going on and i can't write unless i can feel anything. i just feel normal. not ok, just normal. i think people take it for granted that my "normal" is catastrophic on a 'normal' person's scale. i hate that. but whatever.
so i'm going to go today and she's going to say that i'm back to normal after those horrible two months, to come to my appointment next week and then after that i don't have an appointment with her until MARCH. that scares the hell out of me. three weeks is the most i'm comfortable with going without seeing her. a month kinda scares me but i hope that seeing edith in the meantime helps out. because dr. konzer cut back her hours at presby, she gets booked up a lot farther in advance. not good for me but whatever. she said that during that one month stretch that we'll get together in between because of the charity and that helps alot just because i want to set goals for the charity and she knows that having structure and working for goals for the charity will help me. so, it's not like i'm not going to see her, i just won't see her in the office. but then again, when i see her outside of the office, it's not an office visit and even if i'm not feeling good, i'll fake it like i've done my entire life around other people. but in any case, i'm excited that we're going to have a "board meeting" for the charity and hopefully come up with some things that get me working to some good goals for the charity.
ok. i need to get ready to go so enough for now. not that i really wrote anything anyway...
what i REALLY want to know, when it comes down to it....is why? what is causing this? never in my life has anything lasted this long before like this. and in an effort to find out more about this specific symptom (since i only have it for a week or so at a time whenever it does happen), i did a stupid thing and looked on youtube and saw how some people have it last for years. there was a thing from the netherlands where people live their life this way thinking it's normal for 40 years and then it stops and they realize they missed their life.
it's like living in two dimensions because it feels like u are in a movie. there is no three dimensions, only two. ur brain can't process more than that without getting overwhelmed. that's why i can't see something right in front of me. my brain only registers a few things that i *think* (rationally) should be there. there is absolutly no connection to my body at all. in fact, when amiee took me to see dr. konzer last time i lost 8.5lbs in a week because i don't feel hunger. with only operating in two dimensions, i don't "feel" much. i feel the emotion "hurt". but i can't feel "love". i know i love people. i know people love me, but my brain can't even remember what that feeling is. sometimes i can't tell is something really happened or if i imagined it or if i dreamed it since i can't tell if i'm awake or in a dream anyway.
the good news is, i've had good days. earlier this week i was 90% back to normal. but later on i just regressed. i don't want it do, i can't do anything to control it, it just happens.
i know that there is no treatment and no cure and that makes me anxious that i'm going to be like this for the rest of my life. i know i always say that when i get this way and it goes longer than i think it should and maybe that's the hysterical part of worrying that this is what my life will be when i remember how it used to be. all i can do is wait...to hope and pray that i wake up one day and it's gone and i'm back to normal. i remember when it happened back in 2005..and i woke up one day....and it was gone. i was so happy. but i felt like i missed out on so much in my life and had to get reintroduced to it. i kinda feel like that now only now i really have to get used to the new house and surroundings. which i think is part of the problem right now - the unsettledness i'm still feeling.
i wonder of much of this is depression. and then i wonder if it's my thyroid. so i think about taking anti-depressants again or getting my thyroid checked out. then i remember the last time i was like this and took an antidepressant i sliced my wrists had suicidal thoughts and went into the hospital for 5 days. maybe this time would be different but dr. konzer is ambivilent (as i am) to find out.
i don't even know where my deoderant is after we moved. and ask amiee...i can't really be in the grocery store without someone with me because i can't navigate it..i can't think well enough to know where i'm going and can't see detail enough to process what i'm looking at on the shelves. its so bad. and so draining. and i feel like a handicap person who needs someone to help me do things that people normally on without having to think about it. it's messed up.
i miss out on what's going on with my friends lives because i can't think about things. but when i can, i pray for them. all the time. tam, my family, d, janna, jade, bena, tina, chrissie, tina, heather, sonia...as soon as they pop into my head i say a quick few second prayer for them.
there's all this news in the world that i dunno if it's real or if i dreamed it. the national BCS game. christmas time. new years. i slept through it all. i haven't done any training with taylor. she's barely been out of the house except to go with me to dr. konzers (at amiee's insistance) or with tam and D to the store or dinner or something. but she's doing good. she doesn't leave my side. that helps. although at night she's so hot that she makes me not able to sleep. but she helps. i only wish i could feel love for her. i know i love her and i know she loves me but i can't feel it. again...two dimensions
that's enough for now.
i suppose all will be answered later on.
i talked to tammy and she didn't sound happy about it. i talked to my sister tina and she was nothing but concerned for me and wanted to know why i've been keeping the severity of everything a secret from her. but of course she told me that she'd see me everytime she's at the bethesda studio. i talked to chrissie who told me that she was glad i was going. and of course on the way home i talked to amiee who said that she thinks dr. konzer is write on with what's going on and this is the best thing right now.
dr. konzer even used my own argument against me. "if u were a diabetic and u were in a diabetic coma and needed to be in the hospital, would u want me to put u in? " me: "of course" her: "this is no less serious" me: "that's the same argument i use ...just not for myself".
apparently dr. konzer already called tammy and told her some stuff. and she's keeping amiee in the loop too. so other than that i don't have any more info right now. i won't know anything else until dr. konzer calls me later.
but that's the update. i was going to start packing but tamalam told me to wait until she gets home so she can help. so i'm going to wait and i just took an ativan to calm down laken (who does NOT want to go). i'm scared she might do something stupid before i go so i wanna try to make sure that she's under wraps as much as possible and tell her that if she cuts herself or something it'sjust gonna make the stay longer. but i know she knows that since she's half of me.
so....anyway. that's what's going on right now. now i just have to wait to hear the when and how.
i feel like i missed the whole holiday season. i really did. i was dissociated through it all. and it sux cos it's my favorite holiday time of year. i missed it. i guess i have to just wait to enjoy it later this year.
i'm sick of being this sick. i'm frustrated that it's been so long and i'm not functional. i realize that i have a high standard for myself but it's hard for me to only be as functional as i am today. i realize that there are many people that would love to be at the level i'm at today, but for me, it reminds me of college.
i'm watching country strong again. i love this movie. but then again it's about a tortured artist who kills herself so of course i'd love it. and my favorite part is she knows what she's doing. she is planning on killing herself so she enjoys everything one last time and and soaks it into her soul. she is the best that she can be and everyone loves her. and realizing that she can't go on, she overdoses alone in her dressing room. not telling anyone. she fell asleep and went to be with God. how perfect. and the last song she sang "home" isn't about her physical home in that sense, she sang it as going to heaven..."i'm finally coming..home". u think it's gonna work out for her after she kicks ass at the show and think the movie is going to end happy ever after, but kelly is sick and she can't find peace any other way. no wonder i love this movie.
i'm supposed to have lunch with amiee today but i'm not sure when. it's 11 now. i guess i should take a shower and get ready.
i'm upset that i didn't complete two of my goals for last year. one was to make an app for someone having a panic attack and the other was to make an app to help someone get grounded if they were dissociation. seeing how i started a charity and everything we did with it, i suppose i should cut myself some slack. even edith told me "slow down!!". i'll just add it to my list of things i want to do this year which is very small:
* work on being healthy
* make the apps
*grow the charity
*grow the family businesses.
that's it for this year. and that's enough.
"after all of my runnin, i'm finally comin...home". that part of the movie is on. singing "home" before she kills herself.
i'm gonna go for now. i'm tired of writing.
at one point she said "are you gonna give up and realize that when it comes to ur hair i don't give a shit what u want but i'm in charge of it cos i'm a hairdresser who does awesome hair, i'm ur work wife and i have the blessing of ur wife and ur sister because i make everyone look good? are u gonna keep trying to fight with me or just concede now that i win?
after a couple of seconds she goes "are u not conceding yet because i haven't touched the top and ur waiting to see how short that gets taken down? well, don't worry..." and then she shaved the top. HAHAHAHAHA then D goes "i concede. u win. i won't ever fight again cos i know u'll do what said and i know u never want to make me look bad".
it was a hard lesson for him to learn but he did it and i'm glad amiee did it. = )
but still, while i was loving it, i was kinda feeling like i was in a dream = (
then after his haircut, amiee left and we got picked up by the in-laws to go to cheddars for family dinner night. i was soooooooooo glad to see krissie and tam got there the same time we got there, but i just felt like i was in a dream.
i thought after such a good nutitious dinner i was going to be able to sleep but nope. i got two hours of AMAZING sleep but then i was up every hour and couldn't go back to sleep until i took ativan at 3am. so i slept again from 3:30 until i heard tammy awake at 5:30 and have been awake every since....thinking...trying to feel better...wondering.....
i did a load of laundry, then switched it, and even made tea - slicing my finger in the process trying to cut a lemon.
so i don't know how i am doing today. i am feeling better....TONS better....but i think there still is a lot of depersonalization. (i.e. not feeling the slice of finger i took off).
on a good note, last december when i was feeling like this i couldn't tell if i was in a dream or awake or alive and i took a knife to my wrist , twice, to see if i could feel it and was alive. as it happens i was awake and alive (just dissociated) but because i had been unwell for awhile, that was all it took to have dr. konzer put me in the hospital for a few days. i hope something as small as cutting my finger and forgetting things doesn't make her worry this times.
i feel like i need someone to come babysit me. last night i asked amiee if she had time to come over and hang out for a bit cos i'm lonely, but with how i feel now i almost need an interfriendtion....someone i trust who cares about me enough to just sit with me to make sure i don't do something stupid like cut my finger worse on accident trying to make sweet tea....or by choice if my thinking is not right. she is our assistant but i don't remember babysitting being talked about = (
the good side of this is all of the extra love from taylor grace! she is not leaving my side, is pressing against me, and knows her mamma needs her.
at least i've cleaned a bit. done laundry. put away some of d's clothes, put away some of my clothes, fed the dogs, and blah blah blah. but now maybe i should take a nap. i'm not sure when amiee is coming over. she was working last night so i'm sure she wants some sleep. maybe i should take a nap to stay ok until she can come over for a bit. and then after she leaves it won't be too long before tammy will come home and my brother will be with her.
i'm gonna go for now.
my sense of time is still fucked up. i honestly think that my vision shows me something, my brain" see" what it thinks i should see and then fills in the rest with stuff that i just "think" should be there. same with time. time just messes with me.
and i still can't tell if i'm asleep, awake, or in a dream or in a thought. it's kinda dangerous. i just know that i don't have my full consciousness with me YET. but it's been coming back to me shortly day after day after day.
my playlist is the following:
"stronger" by sara evans
- all by the goo goo dolls:
"falling down"
"home"
"still your song"
black balloon"
"name"
"stay with you"
"feel the silence"
then there's "traffic light" by daughtry, "it hurts" by the cinder road boys, "It only Hurts" by "Shania twain", "me and emily" by rachel proctor and of couse "breathe" by michelle branch.
oh...and some Def Leppard/Taylor swift crossroads thrown in. that is saving me right now. THAT is what dr. konzer or someone should have ordered. = ) well...i know she did and told me to take care of myself and music is taking care of myself but i just needed to find the right things and now i have. oh....and some old school "brian jack" on you tube ; )
it's funny...on my worst day..last thursday....when tammy's parents took me to see dr. konzer since i couldn't drive and i could barely walk or move, i remember that i put on "fallin' down" from the goo goo dolls...and the thing that really got me going and touched me was my favorite part - the arpeggio's (open chords) at the end of the song. i wanted to listen to them over and over and over. and it helped me after listening to it a few times before i had to talk to dr. konzer.
one time my brother said "music is to the soul what breath is to the body". so very very true.
i can't drive or even go to the store or anything so people have been taking me places. yesterday tammy's dad took me to see dr. konzer. i'm glad that she saw me like this. she said to just let it run it's course even though it's frustrating. there's nothing else we can do anyway cos there is no cure or treatment for it.
12/26
so i started writing that a few days ago and that's all i was able to get out. right now i'm in the man cave watching tv because i'm sick of being in bed and on the couch downstairs and yet if i go out anywhere i panic. the sleeping as much has stopped (thank goodness) and it's not too soon because my neck hurts from my body shutting down and putting me into sleep. this is the absolute worst that it gets for me. i feel like my family wants to disown me because i feel like the family member that is worthless and disabled that they lock up in an intitution somewhere and never tell anyone about because i can't do anything. i know that's not true, but that's how i feel....or rather that's how i'm afraid they feel since i'm not able to help out and do anything.
i dunno what this means for the charity. i had big plans when amiee came with us and started working with u. but now ...again...i'm afrais i'm not worth anything and don't have anything to contribue and all i do is take. i know that we're having two smaller-ish fundraisers in the next couple months and then having a big one in april. but at the same time i know that we need to get going heping my brother with his companies.
i almost feel like i've been in prison being locked inside my own head for so long. i know that sounds weird but most people get distracted and don't have to look at themselves or be themselves all the time - they get lost in other things. i cannot shake this. it makes me panic alot so i'm taking ativan to help slow down the anxiety.
anyway...i want to write more but i can't. i literally cannot think enough to think of what to write and then type it into the keyboard so i'm gonna stop.
i'm feeling a thousand times better today than i have been feeling. i dunno what in the world happened but the past few days i have been as symptomatic as i can get. it really bothered me and worried me but when amiee took me to see dr. konzer yesterday, dr. konzer said that she expected it and that she wasn't worried because i've "been on autopilot for the past month getting ready to move after i came back from seeing my parents in arizona so now is the time when u can let it all out". it was good to know she wasn't worried. quite honestly, i didn't tell anyone but i was scared shitless that i'd get thrown in the hospital with how i was. i couldn't think, i couldn't drive, i couldn't remember anything, i couldn't remember what i did 5 seconds after i did it...it was 100% pure dissociation to the nth degree. not to mention i was switching alot. tammy laughed at me cos after amiee brought me home from dr. konzer's we were gonna have an impromptu family dinner night at some place i've never been to before. so i would ask her "where is this place"...then i'd forget and 20 seconds later i'd go "so where is this place?". it was funny cos the last time tammy laughed and said, "ok, for the 4th time...". hahahaha
i'm glad that it's normal for my family to understand this but at the same time it just scares the hell out of me. i can't imagine how horrible it is for them to have to deal with. it's like, they wake up and go "well, today is shot because she's gone again". of course they know i don't mean it and i don't think they get angry or mad, i just worry that they get frustrated as much as i do. i swear that my brother and tammy have the patience of job. i REALLY felt horrible for amiee. we were supposed to do stuff for the charity yesterday and instead she ended up taking me to see dr. konzer since my brother was away and tamtini was supposed to be at the house for some meeting. i am SO thankful that amiee was able to take me and that she did. if she didn't, there is no was i would've been able to see dr. konzer. i could hardly walk. but she proved to be incredible yesterday. she was patient with me and understanding. yesterday was as bad as i can get and she was just...it's overwhelming to me that someone helps me out like that. i hate when i'm that sick, i feel like a failure, i don't understand why or what happened and she just took it in stride. she went with me into talk to dr. konzer and the funny thing is that near the end it was dr. konzer and amiee talking about me cos they knew i wouldn't remember the conversation. taylor was amazing too! i wansn't sure about taking her but yesterday was the PERFECT example of why i need her to begin with. and she came through bigtime. she was great, paid attention to me, didn't mess with anyone else and it was awesome to see her do what she was supposed to do.
dr. konzer thought it was a good idea to put me to sleep, reset myself, and wake up new again. so she RX'ed me some 100mg seroquel to put me in a coma. i was worried about it and i was worried about the charity event on tuesday night. that was my biggest concern...i'm afraid that no one is going to come and that it would be an epic fail. but, again, amiee reassured me. she kept saying "don't worry about it, i have it all under control. all u have to do is show up and look pretty and i'll take care of the rest". i almost just wanted to cry when i heard that because it's pretty overwhelming for someone to come in, help me like that and help the charity like she is. i mean, who the hell plans an event at a club, during the christmas season in under two weeks? me and amiee. hahahaha. but she needs to get all the credit. the only thing i did was email morgan fogarty to see if FOX charlotte would cover it. not only did morgan mention that she would send out a camera crew to cover it if she could but she told u to put it on the FOX Charlotte calendar. again, amazing help. amiee is planning two more small events in january and feb, and then in the beginning of apil, we are going to have a fundraiser where my brother's friend dan reed plays. that will be a pretty big deal. and at that major fundraiser, we are going to make sure that morgan comes out because we're going to give her a plaque as an honorary boardmember of psych dog charlotte for everything that she has done for us over the last year.
anyway, so dr. konzer rx'ed me some stuff yesterday and after i got done seeing her, amiee took me to our pharmacy to get my Rx's filled. it was the pharmacy we've gone to near the old house and it was great to be there. lindsay (one of the pharmacy techs) was working and she wanted to give taylor a hug and of course taylor loved giving her a hug. i don't really remember being in the pharmacy. i just remember that we were there and tay giving lindsay a hug and amiee doing everything for me. it was pretty overwhelming cos i'm not used to people helping me like that.
so amiee brings me back home and she and tamtini end up talking about me and dr. konzer's appt and the Rx's and what to take and when and everything. by that time i was feeling a little better so i took some anti-nausea medicine that dr. konzer RX'ed and it knocked the shit out of me. but after i took it was when we had the family dinner night minus mamma and krissie. i was so sleepy i barly remember it. then we came home and i took the seroquel and went to bed around 8pm. this morning we had some people coming at 10am to look at refinishing the upstairs guest bathroom and so tamtini called me at 9:30 to wake me up so i could let the dude in. and that's about it.
i was pretty worried but i'm glad to know that no one else was. dr. konzer said she'd be worried if i wasn't that way. and she didn't feel like i was suicidal and depressed and didn't worry at all about me being ok so while i was freaking out that i'd for sure be put in the ER and then admitted from how bad off i was and not being able to think or feel or even be safe, but thankfully she thought otherwise.
anyway..i'm glad i'm doing better today. still groggy but a lot better.
i still don't know what happened. i just know that i'm really tired and feel like hell. i need sleep. i think there's something wrong with my thyroid again. the motion sickness isn't going away. just wah wah wah.
tomorrow morning we have to go back to the old house and clean. i really have no desire to be there. not to mention we still have stuff there to move into the new house. it's going to depress me to be there but i need to go and help clean it out. the problem is that if i go and get really dirty cleaning, then i'm gonna need to take a shower somehow before i go see dr. konzer at 1:30. oh....i called her office after i found out i missed my appt and rescheduled it for tomorrow.
then, after that...amiee and i are supposed to go out and give away some flyers/posters for the charity event on tuesday and see if we can get some more raffle items. i'm not really sure how this is gonna work but somehow it has to. if i still feel this horrible i'm HOPING that maybe amiee can meet me at the old house and then go with me to dr. konzer's and then we can go do the charity stuff. or if i'm feeling better i can drive down and then just leave to go to dr. konzer's and meet amiee somewhere. i dunno. i dunno much tonight. i don't feel well.
when cory came by tonight to pick up dozer he asked if we'd doggie sit him for a couple more days. really?!?!?!? just because we have a fanced yard now doesn't mean i want to be the dog sitter all the time. dozer is a REALLY adorable and loving pup - but he reminds me a shiton of alex. so it's hard to see him. what's worse is that he lays with me and loves on me more than taylor does. so of course i'm not going to say no to pet sitting him. but it's hard. really hard.
as if janna's stuff this past weekend wasn't worrying me so much, now there are two other things on my mind. first is the stuff with amiee (which i hope she found out some stuff today) and then today i found out some stuff about chrissie's daughter heather. it's not my business to go into details but i just worry and pray. i see so much of myself in heather. i called in a HUUUUGGGGEEE favor for dr. konzer to take on heather as a patient to try to help her and i dunno what's going on with dr. konzer cos chrissie doesn't tell me, but i just feel bad.
i don't feel like writing anymore. i wanna go to bed and want tomorrow to be a better day.
