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jess is putting me in the hospital :(

i am trying to be objective about this because if i think that it's me, i'm gonna do something waaaaaaaay bad before there's even a chance for this to happen. but i promised my soul-sister that i'd help her do this as much as i humanly can. and while she is the best mother i have ever known about in the world, she's gonna have to put those instincts in front of her emotions cos otherwise this isn't going to work.

i found out tonight that i'm being put in the hospital on tuesday morning --- say around 9am ish.  what exactly is happening? well, my soul-sister//best friend jessica is putting me in the hospital. see, i trust her more than i've ever trusted anyone else in my life and she is legally my durable and healthcare power-of-attorney. what does that mean? it means that she can legally do anything i can do. she can open up accounts, spend money, enroll in things, ANYTHING that a regular human being can do --- in my name. she wanted it that way and i wanted it that way when i was approached about it and honestly i'm thankful to Abba above it because i know that she loves me more than anyone else ever has in my life and i trust her, and only her (aside from dr. konzer) with my life.

but with that comes some unintended things ---- like my primary care doctor telling me three weeks ago that there was no way in the world she wanted me out of a monitored 24 hour facility and that i either needed to be in the hospital or in assisted living.  well, when u take that and take my best friend saying that she's scared to death for me to be alone, doesn't want me walking very far because of the osteoperosis and being dissociated, not sleeping for 4 nights in a row on a regular basis, cutting my wrists cos i couldn't tell if i was real or not and upset about maámma dying last week and being triggered from that about my sister's murder, being scared shitless to go to sleep because my PTSD is activated and i'm hypervigilant and afraid someone is going to rape me or kill me in my sleep -- - not eating for days, not taking a shower for a week or longer, puking, and cutting over the scar from my operation because its yet another scar some strange man put on me and it triggered me to look at it, it doens't add up to me being safe out in the world. 

the trick is keeping myself in a non-panic mode from now until she takes me.  the fact that i dunno if it'll be in the morning or on tuesday morning isn't good. if it's NOT tomorrow i would advise that someone ask me to promise that i won't do something stupid before i see her again.  just being honest. 

i knkow she's going to call my doctor tomorrow.  and also a hospital group that i've never been to.  the problem is that ever since i've lived in charlotte ive always dealth with novant since dr. jayne and dr. konzer work there.  but dr. konzer can't be my doctor now (which SUCKS ASS) and can only be a consulting psychiatrist that's treated me before.  in fact, it wouldn't surprise me if dr. jayne ends up calling her if she's working tomorrow. but novant doctors don't usually want to deal with me anymore so i dunno.  and to be honest, i can't be on the main unit if i go there. i NEED to be on the lower floor that only has 12 beds on the ward so that it's caaaaalm the whole time and i don't stress.  

i quite literally feel like i'm helping to plan my own execution. after all, i'm helping someone plan how to put me on a locked unit. do u know how fucking helpless that makes me feel being on one? and what's the ONE thing the activates me --- -- feeling helpless.  so this is a tightrope for me to walk. i just keep imagining that we're setting it up for someone else and i'm like, some consultant so that we plan for everything and dont let the person slip through the cracks in any way.  saying all my own tricks (like saying we should make me promise i won't do something stupid if we don't go until tuesday) is crazy if i think that i'm giving the enemy information to use against me.  but even though i feel like i'm going to be executed and lie my ass off to stay out of the hospital, i promised her that i'd go.  and when the words "i feel like i'm being stabbed in the heart from being a failure by being there' were said, and she said,  'why don't u try to see it as i'm trying to take the knife out of ur heart for the first time', well, that made me lose it.  how could i ever fight against that? i can't. the person i trust the most in the world, my soul sister, my best friend, the ONE person i trust -- -- after she says that to me, how am i supposed to put up a fight?  and Abba forbid she uses a 'for me' on me becuase she knows there's nothing i wouldn't ever do for her. i dunno. i don't wanna talk about this anymore. 

:: coma time ::

it's no great secret that with me, my emotions are symetrical. in other words, if i am extremely happy, i can turn all of that happiness into an equal amount of depression and sadness. it just happens.  so, two years ago when the goo goo dolls were playing and i knew i was going to be soooooooooooo happy, dr. konzer and i came up with a plan. instead of waiting for thing to get bad after the show was over, i'd just go into a forced 'coma' (for lack of a better word) and kinda 'reset' my brain.  that way i'd wake up and instead of having those feelings, my conscousness would go away and i'd wake up and have a fresh start.  the secret weapon? Seroquel. it knocks me on my ass. 

so occasionally, i take a dose of it when i need a 'restart' or if i know i'm going to be in a position where it's simply best for me to tune out of the world and be in a coma. 

well, the goo boys are playing on my birthday in charlotte this year. i'm not so sure that i'll need a reset (yet) but i do know that i think i need to have one tonight.  i've been struggling lately and of course i don't like that because i'm better than that.  so tonight i'm gonna take some seroquel, go into a coma, and hopefully when i wake up a day later (sometime tomorrow or monday) and my head will be reset and i'll feel better.  that's the plan anyway.  i'm so glad that dr. konzer came up with this idea. i'm pro-active enough and aware enough to know that i probably need it now before things get any more symptomatic for me. i hope anyway. 

a note from dr. konzer 8/1/11

the goo goo dolls show is coming up this year on my birthday. it reminded me of how being too happy can be a problem and the precautions that we had to take the last time because of it.  thankfully i didn't go to the er and we just knocked me out instead, but still....i am so thankful that i had such an incredible doctor. i realize that a lot of people dont.  i'm kinda worried about what's going to happen after the show this year since friends and family will be all around but so far, i'm not going to give it too much thought.  i just saw this in an old email and remembered how serious it was a couple years ago.

We can solidify something for sure when you come in but here’s what I’m thinking.  I’m concerned about your safety after the Goo Goo Dolls show.  I think you’ll be able to do ok until then but I know that there is a plan for something afterward.  So, that’s why I’d mentioned going to the ER after the show.  Now, going to the ER only ensures your safety.  What will happen is they will evaluate you and see if you need to be placed in the hospital at that point.  Drs Burton and Shah will not be the ones to see you – it will be the ER doc and there isn’t anyway for me to know who that would be.  I can’t directly hospitalize people any more because we don’t have any beds available.  It may mean that you wait in the ER a few days until you can go up to the unit if you need to be hospitalized.  However, they will evaluate other options also including Intensive Outpatient and/or Partial Hospitalization Programs (more like day programs).  I can’t tell you what they will decide because I can’t predict how you’ll be at that point in time.
Needless to say, I’m concerned about your safety and if you are not able to tell me with good confidence that you’ll be safe until I get back and see you, then I’d prefer to err on the side of caution and make sure you are safe.  The other possibility is to send you there now but I don’t know that that would be the best option because I would like you out for your mom’s visit, but more importantly the birthday celebrations and the show because I know that those things will be positive experiences for you.

So, we can certainly talk about it when I see you Thursday.  I can set up a day program/IOP/PHP situation for the week I’m gone probably but I can’t ensure your safety after the concert.  You can let me know your thoughts on this and we’ll go from there. 
When is Edith’s vacation times?  I will also send a copy of this to her so she knows what we’ve discussed.  I’ll see you on Thursday.
Take care,
Tia Konzer, DO 

:: june 3, 2013 ::

my brother wrote a song on the first amanda marshall record called "let it rain' which was pretty much my bio.  there's a line in it that says "come take my hand, we will walk to the light.  and without fear, we will see through the darkest night". 
see, i have this HORRIBLE habit/tendency to do things all alone. i suppose it's from never having help when i was younger. regardless of the why, still even after i know ann dodelin helped me more than anyone else in my life, when i moved to NC, i lost that 'help' until dr. konzer and edith.  and even then, i'd forget that there were there to "help" me sometimes.  i'd still always feel like i had to do everything. EVERYTHING. 
well, today, in a message about the charity, i mentioned to the board of directors that i was sorry that i wasn't doing as much as i'd like.  and then, tia (dr. konzer) said something she's told me a few times that i forgot about.  she said "i've told you,  sometimes you just need to tag someone else in".  in the past when i was under her care she would say "well, tag me in".  and truth be told there are there occassions where i would not be alive rigiht now if it wasn't for something she did (knowingly or not) in those situations.  well, i guess right now, i need to tag in a few other people.

in that same message, one of the responses that i got back from "the tricia"(hahahahahaha!!) was that she said it sounds like i have an amazing support network .  i'd like to say yes, but i dunno.  i do, but i dont.  personally, i do.  professionally...no fucking way.  do i trust my new psyhiatrist? dr. i-don't-even-know-or-care-to-know-his-name?  nope. but i will be a good patient until i can see dr. konzer again.  then i will feel "safe" for lack of a better word in a "professional" aspect.
however....personally.... do i feel like i have a support network?  well, with a deep breathe.....i don't think i'm finally afraid to say that i do.  i mean.... michelle has been there since i was 14.  it's odd to be a peer/board member with tia and then wear a patient hat when i see her again (just as it's odd to be on a board with her after being a patient but i wouldn't change it for anything in the world since SHE is reason everything happened).  i have a few people i don't speak with on a daily basis but i know that if i needed them, i could call.  and honestly, i've never really had that.  i thought i did for awhile with tammy, but funny how she chose to say "ur using it as a crutch".  fuck me gently with a chainsaw!! r u serious????  don't get me started.  and then of course janna and chrissie.  but u go on ur path and things and people come and go.  it's YOUR path, not "our" path.  so, finally.... yeah....i have a few, people that i know i could reach out to and that no matter what, they would drop whatever it is that they are doing to help me if i needed it.  and to me, that's always been my biggest fear/concern.  but i know i have that.  i just forget to tag people in when things get a little much. 

nothing i did was ever good enough to make him happy.  so i guess he gave me what he thought i deserved.  or was it that my mom didn't fuck him welll enough every night so i got to to do it instead?

last week (of course for the rating during sweeps) they had a woman who was molested by her step father from 6 til 9 years old.  he went to jail. her mom was in denial and instead of being upset that her daughters life was ruined and it happened underneath her nose while she was in denail and/or knew it was happening and didn't act, she was more concerned how she was now a legal sex offender in New Jersey for the rest of her life for not doing anything.  it was the spitting image of my life.  and it hit me again...that is ONE SMALL FRACTION of my issues.  and really it's the biggest thing they're dealing with in their lives? it warrants a dr. phil episode?  i'm not belittling them in any way.  if anything, i get it. more than anyone.  just makes me cry for myself i guess.

which leads me to another thing.... anyone tells me or anyone else with PTSI to "get over it"....i will gladly do it if u could walk in my shoes without stumbling in my footsteps. 

then, last week for sweeps on discovery fitness and health channel they had "the woman with 15 personalities". shocking. mpd/did for sweeps.  the sad thing is that the episode was a setup.  it was dr. ross (who i met during the NIH study) and he never met the woman on the show before.  had he done it, he would've known she wasn't really mpd/did.  i wont go into it but it pisses me off in a MAJOR way when someone that doesn't have it is on a show like that.  how the fuck does a 5 year old alter have the same speech and vocabulary??? how did all her alters have the same speech and mannerisms??? no way she would've passed  a simple EEG much more less a procaine EEG.  but what do i know...

there is one big thing though...and i think it's where i am at now.  i have spend my life saying "you create the things you fear".  and i was watching a movie the other day and it hit me.... do i create all the death i experience?  does a little 5 year old girl create being raped until she puts a bullet in her step dads brain? then find karma by having her sister murdered by a stalker while the rest of her friends and family get offed one by one?  have i created all this death in my life from fearing it all of this time?  i really wish someone could answer that question for me because it hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday, TERRIFIED me and has me paralyzed.    seriously...if u have any ideas about that, email me (burritohead19@aol.com) and lemme know.  i'd talk about it in therapy or with my psychiatrist but, i'm kinda in between at the moment and i'm scared to think about it since i don't want to create more death in the process. 

i kill my stepdad. i witnessed others murdered and didn't stop it (it makes NO care that i was 6-10), i witnessed child abuductions, people abducted on the appalachian trail and then someone i wonder why my sister is murdered, my best friend kills herself, my brother dies of AIDS, all the people in my family, friends....it NEVER ends.  even this year. do i bring this into my life from the past? it has me scared shitless.  and how do i not do it??? do i accept that death is a part of life?  how do i do that when i know that quantuam mechanics proves that we create our realities? 

god i miss my sweet precious alex. my big precious. i wish he could lean on his mommy right now. all 140 loving pounds of him.  i miss him.  it's almost three years and i miss him so much.  i just keep telling myself "jesus must've needed a friend... that's where you'll be, when we meet again.  Jesus must've need a friend, my buddy, my best friend...my big precious till the end". 

speaking of psych dogs.... stuff is ROLLING along with the charity as long as details are sured up.  we changing the name to make it more inclusive of the entire country since we've not helped with placement of more dogs all over the U.S. than we ever have just in charlotte. it was a great idea but with the coverage the amazing morgan fogarty gave us from the very beginning and getting picked up by FOX News, it never had a chance to stay local.  so..we are changing the name.

and when I saw "we" i mean "the board of directors".  yeah, yeah, i know i don't have an official vote since i'm not allowed to sign any legal documents since i'm crazy but since it's my dream i'm so thankful that they let me be a part of it.  they are very nice and kind to do that.

btw...my real player is playing on shuffle as i write this and i just gotta say that "#1 Crush"  by Garbage has to be the sexiest song ever written.  hmmm...that or a remix version of a White Zombie song.  or "Love You To Death" by Type O Negative.  just sayin....  ok...back to other things...

the "board of directors" is reactivated with the charity.  it still has the amazing Tia Konzer D.O., and my brother and my sister-in-law, but now it also includes my amazing and talented friend of many years Trisha West.  edith left the area awhile ago and has been through too many things so we just kinda...i dunno.... people get separated not on purpose but life happens.   BUT...i am VERY VERY VERY happy and proud and excited about the group we have now because i truly believe that it is exactly who needs to be there to do things.  i'm not sure if megan is still a board member or not.  i need to check on that.  but i'm very happy with how rounded the charity is with the diversity and professionalism of everyone with the charity and the talents and skills they all have.  i don't think there is anything that one of them can't do and that makes my heart happy that we will be changing lives in a HUGE way in the next few months.

there are a few things going on that i can't really officially talk about yet, but let's just say that we are working on an event in november in charlotte that will feature my brother's best friend/mentor/friend performing a show while the charity unveils our new name and makes a HUGE announcement about something the artist performing and my brother are doing for the charity.  it's big.  and when i say big, i mean...CHANGING LIVES big. so, please say your prayers that God keeps blessing us and keeps my mind right, keeps my brother on track, keeps Dr. Konzer well, keeps Tricia well and let's it all work out to help change lives so that people don't have to go what anyone with PTSI goes through as long as i have.

ok.... that's enough for now.  i haven't journaled in FOREVER and it is something i plan on doing a lot more of.  i need to before ann dodelin beats my behind.  ironic how dr. konzer used to tell me to do it all the time, gave me a written RX to do it (like ann did) and it was when i tapered off from it.....now i'm not seeing her as a patient and i am thinking of getting back into it to help myself.  whatever works, right?

maybe that's a fear i haven't done it.... maybe i'm afraid that doing it will show myself that i'm sick? or maybe i'm worried that i did it when i was sick so doing it now means that i'm sick?  fuck it....truth is, on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being me being locked in The center for dissociative and trauma disorders for four months and 10 being happy at a goo goo dolls show, right now i'm a 4.  and that scares the shit out of me.  i'm not in a harmfuul way or anything, but i don't have to be in order for what's wrong with me to kill or injur me.  so i suppose i'm trying to be proactive and get out of this funk or whatever it is.  or maybe just throwing up a last minute hail mary before i get admitted to the center. i just need to step back and tie my shoe, take a deep breathe and things outthink how i feel.  as long as i do that, i'll be ok.  this i know. so....while i do that...it's soooooooooooo hard for me to do this.... but tag...you're in.  

and that's enough for today.  let's see what tomorrow brings. 

unfinished entry from 2/10/13

dear diary... oh wait, that's not how i'm supposed to journal.  god, it's been so long i think i almost forgot how to do it.  : /

i know a bunch of people will see this and be like, "what da?? she still journals?"  and some will be like "it's about f'ing time u did it!".  it's good either way (i'll get to that later). the main thing is that i'm doing it for whatever reason.  and since i'm doing it, i need to make sure of rule number one: 'never write for an audience, only write for urself not thinking or caring who reads it".  so, with that, i don't care who reads this because i'm not writing this for u to read it, i'm writing this for me to get out whatever is there.

OMG ITS JAKE!!!!!!!  I totally forgot when jake was on this show!!!!  jake was a great guy.  hailey did soooo much stuff with him.  oh yeah, and weird how "scott motors" went from a ford dealership to a chevy dealership over a summer break.  so many memories coming back. hahaha

ok, back to journaling. 

i kinda thing that the past months have been a serious transition for me. i am in a totally different place now than i was just 8 months ago. most of it comes at the (seeming) collapse of my support system and rebuilding from it. see, a year ago, one of the most incredible therapists i have ever met in my life did what she needed to do in order to be happy with her life...and i am sooooooo happy for her. it came at a time when i wasn't too happy about it and when it was a real blow to me.  to make things (seemingly) worse, the best psychiatrist in the world stopped practicing at the place she was at and went to a place where i would no longer be able to be under her care.  it seems that she was going to tell me about it much earlier than giving me a two month notice but when my therapist told me that she was moving my doctor didn't think it was a good thing to add  her departure on top of it as soon as she found out so she waited as long as she could.  in fact, i remember when she told me. as she did most times i saw her, she had a student with her. i LOVED seeing her when she had a student with her because obviously seeing me was always a teaching moment.  this particular day she told me, she had a woman with her that was simply an idiot.  she was kinda on the older side and since i am one of the masters of reading people within 5 seconds i could tell that i wasn't going to get along with her and she had no clue of what she was doing.  turns out i was right.  when dr. konzer was about to tell me the news, the woman goes, "i really don't think now is a great time to say this since things are already so stressful and bad news is just going to make it worse".  i looked at her with a glare that let her know she was an idiot and wrong at the very same time that dr. konzer told her "no,  there is never a good time for bad news and she's going to have to hear it sometimes and that fact that she does have stress right now and upset about edith means this is a great time so that she can deal with it all at once".  that made me feel kinda good.  of course i wasn't happy with the news but again, it was something that dr. konzer needed to do for herself. i won't go into why but lets just say that it was a very healthy decision that she needed to make on many levels and while it was something i still wish could be different to this day, i know that it needed to be done and i WANTED her to do it after she confided in me the reasons. 

on a side note, i LOVE this episode of OTH (one tree hill).  it when booke gets in trouble for staying out late drinking when she lives with lucas and his mom and karen grounds her for the first time in her life and she has nooooooo idea what it's like to be grounded and is shocked to learn what it really is and what she has to do.  i wish i was grounded when i was a teenager.

back to my life.

so the last 8 months have been pretty different and i feel like i've ever so slowly been drowining.  i know this is true because my tears and panic attacks show this to me. but that's ok. 

during this time i met a new therapist. an incredible woman named jill.  jill will be the first to tell u that she is not nearly advanced with somatic experiencing as edith is. and lets be honest, aside from the creator of somatic experiencing therapy, there's probably only ONE man (raja) that is more experienced and knowledgable about it in the world since edith trains the trainers and trains people internationally (she literally just got back from a trip to sri lanka this week).  but ya know what? i'm not in a place where i need to know the things that edith taught me anymore.  and while i am always in need to be under the care of a psychiatrist who knows how to deal with me and knows what's best for me, dealing with another psychiatrist who has no idea how to treat mpd/did and who has no idea what's going on with me (since i don't tell her) simply means that i need to be proactive and stand up for myself.  it also means that i don't have anyone who knows when i'm off kilter (and that SUCKS) but whatever.  while i haven't really worked "full time" (proper) in years and money is beyond tight with me and my family, jill has been gracious and generious enough to see me for free.  i used to think that it was because she learned just as much from me as i did from her. now i don't really know if that's true or care if that's true because i think the real reason she does it is so that she knows someone is trying to help (and helping) the worst trauma case that the experts have heard about and knowing that i have some kind of stability to try to be healthy.  and i think she also does it, mainly, because of her incredible heart of serving and giving like she does with her charity. 

so where am i at in this phase of my life? well, there's one more thing.... two months after dr. konzer stopped practicing where i could see her, i lost two of the best friends i've had in my life over the past 7.5 years.  why? i'm not sure. but it doesn't really matter.  i have my ideas of why but again, it doesn't really matter. i was beyond crushed at the time. and i mean CRUSHED.  one of them...i was closer to her than anyone i've ever known in my entire life and she was with me.  we had been through two bouts with cancer, a miscarriage, a move, rocky relationships and the MIRACLE conception that led to the birth of my God daughter. but, the wrong man led her astry and in an effort to save her (idiotic) relationship with the father of her child and chosing him over her family and my wishes for her, i guess it was best for her for us not to be in each others lives anymore.  that was her choice. and to be honest, God has ALWAYS given me "vibes" that are NEVER wrong and the day that she told me she was pregnant, while i was so thankful and happy for her, i KNEW that things would never be the same again and that it would separate us. my vibes weren't wrong yet again.

i was talking about this stuff with the ONE person in my life that knows EVERYTHING, and i do mean EVERYTHING about me since i was 14 years old and has NEVER left me. in a time when people tell u they will be with u forever and will never leave u (like those two best friends did) she has been one person who never has and i believe that she never will. she gets too busy for me sometimes, but that's just life getting in the way. she has her own life, her children, school, her husband....she has a life! and she checks on me and lets me know she loves me and that's more than what i'm used to.   well anyway.... she told me something that i've told plenty of people during my life and made me realize it in a way that applied to me.... she told me that the season of my life with those two friends was over. it wasn't good or bad, it was just time that it was over.  i've told this to countless others and i've applied it to my life with career things, my healing path and other things, but never with best friends.  that i couldn't take.  but she was right.  and without telling me that i was being selfish, she told me that the decision for them to move on wasn't about me....it was about them doing what they felt was best for them in their lives for whatever reason. while i was so busy being upset taking it personally, she reminded me that it wasn't about me at all; it was about them.  of course it hurt me beyond words to realize that their happiness didn't include me but she also told me how that wasn't actually true. even though we wouldn't be in contact or in each others lives like we were, we were in each others lives through our past experiences and whatever the reasons that they could no longer have me in their lives wasn't about me - it was about the circumstances that they were in. i know that's true.  it's still hard without them and knowing that season of my life with them in it is over, but i'm not holding on to it.  my friend told me how to be happy for it and let it go and live in the new season. so i did...starting the night we had that conversation.

well, it was a few days later that i saw jill and we had one of the most profound conversations that i've had in my life.  something major happened between the time i spoke with my friend in hawaii and when i saw jill.  it was something that really had me worried and stressed and when i spoke with jill about it, she took things to a whoooooole other level with something that dr. konzer had been trying to get me to do for awhile.

being through trauma so severely makes one a control freak. i need to control EVERYTHING. and when i do not know the possible outcomes or outcomes of those outcomes or what could happen while something is supposed to happen...well...u get the point.
i started saying how i was worried about me being symptomatic in a couple ways and how i was scared that this could happen or that could happen and jill said, "yeah, it could".  it reminded me of when dr konzer would say "i don't know. i guess we will find out what happens".  jill said "yeah, it could.  or maybe it won't. or maybe something else would happen. i don't know." 

this past sunday on super bowl weekend i went to to see jill and talk up at her house/farm. i have to say that i was loking so foarward to it and it was one of the most incredible places i've been able to experience. why? just because it reminded me of my families property at deep creek lake back in maryland.  
while were were there sitting on the dock at one of the ponds, i told her how that conversation we had has truly impacted my life.  see, what she said was something that i have said (as a scientist) a million times and told it to people in their particular situations.. "it is what it is".  usually people apply it to bad situations, stressful situations or things they dont like but fail to apply it to the GOOD things.

:: when it is finished ::

"If someone said three years from now you'd be long gone..
I'd stand up and punch them out cause they're all wrong.
That last kiss....I'll cherish...until we meet again

And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew"

please don't take my strength as weakness. it takes a lot of strength to do this. as a person with cancer who cannot be saved, it is no different so as doctors and nurses do in private.. i just used the morphine drip as others to to have Death with dignity. i know how much it hurts when someone passes and it is not to hurt anyone. in fact, it is so that i will only hurt you one more time, with this, and never be able to hurt you over and over and over again like i have done in the past. i don't want to be a burden to any of you anymore since my mental health is something that drains all of you not being able to help me like i need. i don't want to burden you anymore so please know that. this will be for the best but it will hurt you...forgive me the latter. it's me.  i'm a freak. but thank you for loving me because you all did it perfectly.

i wrote another note back in June that was specific for Janna with songs to listen to to remember me and how i feel and how i felt and how i love you.  you're welcome to read it as i now made it public on my livejournal.  you can also read my entire life's work, my research and Truth. i have given Trinity the password to it so she will be able to help you with the posts that are not public to make everything known.  http://www.burritohead.livejournal.com

janna and chrissie caster and wish that you never left my life. i swore i would always love you both and i will and i do. you both left me when i needed you most after i had been there for both of you with deaths, cancer, miscarriages...everything. and yet you think that i lied to u. i'm sorry that you feel that way. i am who i am and i am who i always said i was. i wish that you could understand. you said that you could understand it when it happened to other people seeing me switch but couldn't understand it for yourselves? you think i lied to you yet never realized how i was open, up front and honest from day one about my mental issues. if you took them another way, i'm sorry. i pray you love me and forgive me for anything that you feel that i have done as i have never done anything except love and help both of you with all of my heart.
janna....my best friend ever. you brake my heart after 8 years of loving you and being your best friend, giving you money, and helping you through cancer and everything else. you promised and vowed we were forever.  i never changed.
chrissie the same goes with you. 8 years, i helped you with everything and you helped me with things. i don't hate either of you. i just hurt from it since there is nothing i can do if you both decide to delete me from your lives. it just hurts not having you in my life and having your friendship and love even though it was the only thing i ever gave either of you. i love both of you just as much as i ever did even with hurt. i'm sorry for anything u feel that i did wrong.
chrissie.... ITALY

i'm sorry trinity
i'm sorry to my family
i'm sorry tiffany even though i don't matter to you anymore. YOU are the love of my life and i wish you loved me as much as i still love you
i'm sorry michelle gonzales that you don't love me anymore either. i still have you in my heart.
i'm sorry Sonia
i'm sorry tia (dr. konzer)
i'm sorry ann
i'm sorry to tammy and her family
i'm sorry avery.  i will miss you
i'm sorry mike and erin.
i'm sorry d and i'm sorry dan
i'm sorry elyse
i'm sorry amiee
i'm sorry edith
i'm sorry jill

:: deep breath through the tears.... ::
and michelle....i wish i could have been with you in hawaii. i am so sorry if it hurts you. i love you.

i'm sorry to those that i love that i can't list. so many people may not be on this list but i swear you are in my mind and heart which means you are in my soul and with me always.

i will love all of you forever and i pray that you forgive me for any pain it might cause. i pray you can see it as a mercy killing... someone with invisible wounds so deep and so horrible that it is terminal - no different than someone with cancer or a heart condition who is terminal.
you are my love which is all energy and that never die like a body will.
i love you.



Luke says that the shepards kept watch of their flock at night when Jesus was born. Note to self....this was done in the spring, not in the winter (as we know it). We actually celebrate the birth of Jesus eight months too late. Sorry, but it's fact. 

Time was meausred by the begninning of Rome. The church started tinkering with the calander. Dianesius put it in 753 of the old roman calander and then decreeded he was born Dec 25 1bc, with the year 1AD beginning a year later. So, the ONLY reason we have jesus's bday on December 25th is becuase some monk decided to put it there. Like it or not, it's historical fact, not the cookie cutter version of Christianity that we have regurgitated on us. 

However, it was during the reign of herod, right? remember the story of how herod had every male child killed under the age of 2?? well...
herod died in 4bc. (according to the christian calander of dianesius) so actually, jesus must've been born BEFORE the actual year we think. 

so...lets go to other sources....the 'star of bethlehem". of course it wasnt a star at all. The thing is, the Chinese kept VERY accurate historical records of astronomy and they make no mention of anything big around this time in history. And of course we know that the maggi weren't really "wise men" as the cookie cutter story has us believes....maggi were actually astrologers (usually persian) who were skilled/trained to notice things that most people wouldnt ever pay attention to. 

therefore, the star of bethlehem must've been something small enough to go unnoticed but large enough for an astrologer to find signifigance in it. 

but what? what could it be? 
well, it had to be regional since the chinese didnt notice it. 
no exploding stars so there goes that theory. 
haley's comet was about the time jesus came, but they feared comets back then and wouldnt be celebrated. 
maggi is the root of the word that we get "magic". the only place that astrology wasn't taken seriously was in judea where jesus was born but the 'rest of the world' at the time took it as scientific fact. that is fact. In Matthew 2:7 he says only the maggi saw this star and that herrod and his people didnt see it. so it MUST"VE been subtle. 

2,000 years ago, Jupiter and Regiulus and Jupiter and Venus started getting together in 2, 3 and 6 BC so this would be the closest thing that we could see back then. this series of events would make them think that something important would be going on. 

in an old coin in 13AD, there was a syrian coin found that had the god zeus (Jupiter) on it and the other side had Aries the Ram looking back across the sky at an overhead Star. 
The star appeared in Aries the Ram!!!! Aries represented Judea back then. 
In Aries, Jupiter (Zeus) and the moon had a big deal. So jupiter had to be in the east becuase a easter morning sky must've been what they were looking for in the prophecy. 
In 6BC on April 17th, Jupiter was in the East, in Aries, when the oon came close to Jupiter when it Eclipsed Jupiter and this indicated to the astrologers that there was the birth of the king. And this is a Genuine Phenomon!!

And it puts it at the exact year when jesus was born (according to the text, not the cookie cutter story). 

Matthew never tells what nation they came from, but most people think the maggi were from Babylon. They were brutal and conquered the the Hewbrews 500 years before Christ. So their astronomers would be seeing this phenonomen of Jupiter and the Moon in Aries as a HUGE deal. Why? Becuase the Babylonians exiled the Hewbrews, so for them to notice the birth of thier (Babalonian) king in Astrology is a HUGE deal...worthy of the gifts...that's why they went to praise and adore him. That's why it was a HUGE deal...the irony of it all in things outside of 'christianity'. 

The magi present him with three gifts. They hold symbolic signifance for the readers back then. PLUS, the magi got there when he was 2, not a baby. The Hewbrew word used for when the maggi where there is NOT as an infant and NOT on the night of his birth...but the the word used is for a toddler, not an infant.  

Here's the weird thing.....an ANGEL informs that maggi about Herods plan and so they maggi go away in a different way home. Herod estimates that the age of Jesus must be under 2 at the time, so he orders everyone killed. As Jesus, May and Joseph and their family escapes, the Slaughter of the Innocents begins. But lots of people say that it never happened. There's nothing going on from other sources. Why not appear in Luke? Josephus's writings? Strange since it was sooooooo horrific. 
But the population of Bethlehem back then was probably 1,000 and children under 2? Maybe 20 of them (going with mathematical probability). Would 20 kids being killed back then be huge news? Nah. Not really. Especially with how brutal Herod was. It would be par for the course for him. 

But then we have th Gnostic Gospel of James. Whoa!! Look out!! Yes, James (the brother of Jesus) wrote a Gospel that was not included in the 'bible'. 

It was written in 4BC. James is Jesus brother in Matthew, Mark, Galatians and also in Josephus's writings. The early gospel of James is what whas beleived by the first christians and is part of the apocropha. 
The maggi, the star are all there. but mary goes into labor before they even reach bethlehem. they went to a cave and she gave birth there. (which is consistant to be a true setting if you really read the texts). While Joseph is out searching for a midwife, Joseph is STUNNED as time LITerALLY FREEZES (James 18:4) and everything literally stops right in their tracks and then everything keeps going as it is. Of course, in this suspension, we're we have the birth of Jesus. He goes back with two midwives and the midwife Salome doesnt believe Mary is a virgin. Her hand is burned as she fingersMary trying to discover if she was a virgin and then God sends an angel to heal her hand after she prays for repentance. 

Then the Slaughter of the Innocents comes and Jesus is placed in a manager to hide Jesus during the slaughter...not give him shelter during His birth. 

Of course, this could've happened AND he was placed in a manager in a cave when he was born. Back then, caves were used to shelter livestock. there was usually an upper part and a lower part with the livestock staying in the lower part. If there was no room for the family at the upper level, they may have stayed in the lower level...with the animals, hence giving even more meaning and humility to the newborn King of Kings being born into this world. That's how it could all come together as them ALL being right in their Gospels.

they went to bethlehem becuase joseph had family there.  the greek word for 'inn' is also the same word for upper room...jesus was with the animals becuase it was normal for the animals to say in the same house/cave as people and there was no room in the upper room so he was laid to rest with the animals in a manger.  

it IS possible to have a virgin birth.  1 in every 5 million women are born with an X and Y chromosome....the only thing needed to have a 'virgin' birth.   it is a biological anomolie, not a biological impossibility.  

god is supernatural, but only becuase we do not understand it and people back then could not scientifically explain it.  so while the bible is the literal word, it's only the literal word in the ORIGIANAL text. 

and furthermore, "Thomas" is an aramaic word meaning "twin"
And there is a myth that Jesus had a twin brother.  hmmm......
Thomas in the Gospels is probably Jesus's brother becuase there was already judas iscariot and they only gave nicknames to avoid confusion. 
Jewish customs of Jesus' day required married Rabbis. Unmarried men were considered a curse to Jewish society. Jesus would not have had much credibility as a leader had He not been married. Although Jesus was a non-conformist and had many conflicts with Jewish tradition, His parents, Joseph and Mary, were not. The Bible says that they were careful to perfectly obey the laws of their people. It also says that Jesus was "subject unto them". Since Jewish culture practiced arranged marriages and early marriage, as well (a Jewish boy was marriageable at age 16), it is reasonable to assume that Jesus' parents would have performed their parental duties faithfully and arranged a bride for the young Jesus. There are 18 silent years in His life (12 - 30). The Gospel of John tells us that there were many other things which Jesus did which have not been recorded. I feel this is important becuase it shifts the weight of presumption. Given the cultural milieu in which Jesus lived and the supporting Biblical evidence, the burden of proof lies with those who do not believe Jesus was married. They must show why Jesus and His parents would have been derelict in their civic responsibilities and not contracted a marriage, don't you think? This is also important for another reason. The age is very important here. Why? THINK!!!!....
According to Josephus, descendants of the House of David felt a moral obligation to perpetuate their line, never knowing which one among their descendants would be the chosen Messiah. Jesus may or may not have known who He was, but regardless, He lived as a normal person until called by the ministry of John the Baptist. That means, according to the chronology of the Bible, he would've been married BEFORE he was baptized. 

Not to mention the Gospel of Phillip:
And the companion of [the Savior is] Mary Magdalene. The [Savior] loved her more than all his disciples, and frequently kissed her on the mouth. The rest of [the disciples] [got close to her to ask]. They told him: "Why do you love her more than all of us?" The Savior responded and said: "Why do I not love you as I love her?" (Gospel of Philip 63-64). 

there's no secret that Jesus was at a wedding in the bible. In fact, the bible never says WHO the wedding was for. However, in the story it does say how Mary (his mother) was worried about how much wine was left and Jesus did a miracle. By all historical accounts, this was PROBABLY the wedding of Jesus and Mary Magdelene. If we are supposed to walk in Christ's footsteps, why would He not set an example with marriage as well? 

:: pain ::

the damaged nerves are releasing aracadonic acid....your body is coverting it to prostaglandin which is triggering the fiestive enzymes necessary for pain.  you wanna throw up? not gonna help.  it'll take about a minute for the acid to dissipate and your natural morphine to kick in....

october 6th - part II

i have nowhere to run. nowhere. my mother, i sense, has just kind of given up on me. decided that they don't know how to handle or even raised this wild, isolative girl who has violated her body with four tattoos, a nosering and a tongue piercings. truth is, she never did raise me. and though my mother loves me very much, she no longer wants to be the one i run to. she never has. that works out well since i learned long ago that my mother would'nt help me anyway. and then there are my friends, but i'm not their burden to handle. they have their own lives and all i do is add insanity. i want out. no one will ever care or love me. i will be nothing at all. the promise that on the other side of life lies a beautiful one, wil have turned out wrong. it will all be a big dupe.

i have nothing. except maybe dumb theories i present, about, say quantum mechanics as it relates to MPD/DID, dissociative disorders and autism....lived through personal experience.i am a fuck up.

i can imagine losing my best friends because they get tired of saying 'she's losing it again'. then it all adds up. by the time i stumble into the bathroom and slam the door and curl up on the floor, i'm certain there's no way anyone'll ever understand the philosophical underpinnings of the state that i'm in. and in those times, when my head is clean and clear of the noise and clutter of reasons and rationality, what i'm mostly thinking is 'why?', "why take it?', 'why be mature?', 'why accept the adversity?', 'why put up with the bullshit?'

I dont mean to sound like a spoiled brat. I know that into every life a little rain must fall and all of that, but in my case the crisis-level hysteria is an all-too-recurring theme and reality.

Ican't even picture myself in 40. or especially even at 80. i dont think chronically psychotic people tend to make it into the nursing-home-in-florida phase of life...or do they? and which is worse, to live that way that long in this condition or to die young and pretty? and who the hell would ever want me with such a basket case that i am?

once i read a book whose epigraph was from heraclitus; 'how can you hide from what never goes away?'. i don't remember the name of the book, but the quote is indelible, does not come out in the wash and has been on my mind ever since. i know by now, only too well, that you can never get away from yourselve because you never go away. unles you die.

i'm kinda sick of therapy. but i know i have to go. and finding a therapist after you move is always a pain in the ass. no one ever feels 'qualified' enough to see me. but it doesn't start out that way in the consults. i tell them i'm depresed and they tell me how depression works biologically. then i tell them a 'touch' of my life history and sooner or later as the narrative continues, thy're sure to say something like 'no wonder you're depressed and so fucked in the head'. i feel like a census berueau statistic in some sort of case study.

somehow i've metamorphosized into this nihilistic unhappy person. and this is what i'll be for the rest of my life because some asshole MADE ME this way from all the unspeakable things he did. things are bad now and will get worse later.

i dont care. i just dont care. and i dont care that i dont care, but i do care a little bit about not caring about not caring (if you can follow the convolutions) - but i do feel horrible for all of the amazing people who's efforts are put on a waste like me. all of it just amounts to more grist for the mill of the ill; on top of feeling like a basket case, i feel gulity because people DO care and i love them but dont' want to hurt them from the way that i am.

i explaine the same thing to everybody, it all seems pointless in light of the fact that we're all going to die eventually. why do anything? why take a shower? why eat? why fall in love? why care about social security reform when all of us are leaning tword the same inevitable conclusion? the shortness of life, i keep saying, makes everything poinless wen i think of the longness of death. when i look ahead, all i can see is my final demise. and they say "maybe not for 50 or 60 years" and i say "maybe you, but me, i'm already gone'.

at any rate, i dont rally explain what i mean when i talk about death but i am keenly aware that i do frighten people more than a little bit when i think about it or talk about it. they listen and then get this sad, discouraged look on their face like, 'shit...bring in the professionals". the thing is...they ARE the professionals...except for Dr. Lehnert and Ann.

i am the girl you see in the photgraph from some party somewhere of some picnic in the park, the one who looks so vibrant and shimmery, but who is in fact soon going to be gone. when you lok at the picture again, i want to assure you, i will no longer be there. i will be erased from history like a tritor in the old soviet union. because with eery day that goes by, i feel myself getting more and more invisible, getting covered over more thickly with darkness, coats and coats of darkness that are going to suffocate me in the sweltering heat of the summer sun that i can't even see anymore even though i feel the ache of it's aweful heat.

Death is a star to hitch up to. a fantasy of peace someday which seemed better than any life with all this noise in my head. and it comes as a relief to know that it's a possibility.

i've always had a facination with water. probably cause i might just like to fall into it and drown like BJ almost did in miami awhile ago. i could die in a pool.

how many times a day do death fantasies creep into my head and my thoughts? so many times i've planned my own funeral knowing for sure that a death at my age would be considered a tragedy, surely worthy of a full-length description in some publication. I know perfectly how the story would go..." so full of potential, F.S.U., social work major, incredible track record at work, devoted friend, blah blah blah". and then there would be the reporter trying to figure out what it says about our society when a 'promising young person' with so much 'potential' and options chooses to do herself in. i could see it all: my life would suddenly be infused with all sorts of symbolism and meaning that it simply did not have as long as i was alive. as long as i was alive, i'd be staring into the ocean and the lake and swimming pools at daybreak, empty and aching. suppposedly if you resist the natural urge to come to the surface for air, drowning is the least painful method of death there is.

People always say i should go on a talk show withh all my fucked up stories. especially oprah. it's all to much the sort of thing i would do; take a sad private matter, give the facts in technicolor detail to perfect strangers and thus relieve myself of my life. and then later, i would feel cheap and empty, deeply dissatisfied, like a verbal slut; the person who'd give it all away to just any old body. then i realize that this is just the way of the world. or at least the way of fin de siecle america.

the fact is, i really have a problem with those shows. for so many people, or at least for the guests who were fodder for these shows nothting semed too sacred for the camera lens. there's even a computer dtabase listing the names of people who wanted to appear on talk shows giving descriptioins of their particular quirks, eccentricities and fuck ups. many of the people who consented to talk abou their private lives in front of millions of TV viewers would say that they were sharing their stories as a way to comfort fellow sufferers, to raise public awareness, to give a voice to their pain none of them would ever admit that it was all about ratings and voyeurism and lurid, grotesque curosity. non of them would be able to see me or jessie sitting around watching those shows, unless of course we were wating for the expert opinons and information or laughing at the guests kitsch value. they all believe that what they're doing is good. in fact, the producers try to ssell you on appearing by saying it's ia public service. when it was just me i almost bought it. i remember heather telling me to do what i wanted. but when they said there would be other people there, i knew that they 're all just show biz and it made me sick.

in one way, the good things is that i dont need a reason for how i am. i just am. and yes i was made this way. but no one understands that 'things are different for us'. That's what jessie told me once. Sometimes i just wish there were a way to let people know that just because i live in a world without rules, and in a life that is lawless, doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt the morning after. sometimes i think that i was forced to withdraw into this state becuas eit was the only rightful protest i could throw in the face of a world that said it was alright for people to come and go and hurt you in any way as they please...that there were simply no real obligations left. certainly deceit and treachery in both romantic and political relationships is nothing new. but at one time it was bad, sallous, cold and eveil to hurt somebody in the ways that i've been hurt and traumatitized and how i get hurt now. now, i think it's normal. to me, really, nothing is surprising. and that's sad. (not that i can even aspire to happiness anymore).

i hate crying at everything. sure some things are natural to cry at but is it natural to cry about the end of Gray's Anatomy? I cry at the end of Private Practice, the touching profiles on the NFL draft profiles and at watching Shawn Michaels wrestle? These are the same tears i cry when i see ordinary people are able to avle to triumph in ways large and small over adversity. Maybe i cry at Shawn Michaels wrestling becuas whatever my gifts, the pieces of good buried inside and under so much that i feel is bad, is wrong, is twisted are less clear then the ability to act like you're getting hurt and make Addison cry and tell Mark he was being an asshole to Lexi and now it's too late. My gifts are for life itself, for an unfortunate astute understaning of all the cruelty and pain in the world. my gifts are unspecific. I am an artist manque, someone so full of crazy ideas and no particular way to express it. i am like the title character in the film betty blue...the woman who is so full of....so full of...so full of something or other - it's unclear what, but a definate energy of that can't find it's medium - who poers her own eyes out with scissors and is murdered by her lover in an insane asylum in the end. she is, and i am becoming, a complete waste. so i cry during 90210, and during Shawn Michaels matches.

Sometimes I wonder if people who look at me - I wonder if any of them can tell just from looking at me that all i am is the sum total of all my pain, a raw woundedness so extreme that it might be terminal. it might be terminal velocity, the speed of a sound of a girl falling down to a place from where she can't be retreived. and so i contemplate suicide often. And Dr. Lehnert and Ann know it. Ann even saw fit to get a warrant for evaluation for me a couple times. I wouldnt' contract withher for safetyand so 45 minutes after I got home that evening, there were two sherrif's officers waiting to take me to the emergency room with handcuffs. just what i needed....two more big guys with handcuffs. One time she had me pulled out of school.

story of my life: i am so destructive to myself and the people i love that my solutions turn into problems. everything i touch i ruin. and it kills me when it hurts the people that i love.

so i just want, wish and hope to died, right here, right now. i want my corpse to e whiter than the walls and blankets. i want to never feel again - which is contradictory because i can't feel anyway. expect lonileness with no one here with me. i feel nothing, and it hurts.

I was always single with lapess into well..other kinds of lapses. i would hear abou tother people who'd gone mad and been locked away somewhere and i'd hear and see how they had these mournful, devoted partners, lover and friends who would wipe their tears, tie rags around their bloody wrists, and run out to the pharmacy to get a last minute RX called in by the doctor as the girl had a psychotic episode right there on the bathroom floor. that's beautiful. that's friendship and that's love; for a friend or for a girlfriend/boyfriend. isolation and a sense that all human connection is elusive, is the province of tohers, of the happy people on the other side of the glass wall, is the worst part of me. I guess in fact, compared to all the other forces at work in the world, love is rather impotent and pitiful: my stepfather and my mother must have told me a million times hwo much they loved me, bu that emotion - assuming it was true or even real - hardly had the strength to counter the many acts of wrong they committed against me. Contrary to romance novels and the love-conquers-all mentality that even those of us who grew up in an era of divorce are in some atavisitc instinct - still raised to believe, love is always a product and victim of it's circumstances. It is fragile and small.

Tolstoy is frequently quoted as saying something abou thow all families are the same but unhappy families are unhappy in different ways. of course he's got it totally wrong and completely ass-backwards. At most, there are two kinds of dysfunctional families. ...those that talk too much and those that dont talk at all. the first comes across more tragic. therese are the families in which everyone is so fearful of expressing not just their emotions, but absolutly everything, that all they do is drink, hurt, do drugs or hit and get fucked up in their silence. then one day, one of the kids slits their wrsts or maybe the other turns into an anorexic and the parents see that all kinds of hell is going on while they go in denial and finally the whole family ends up seeing a therapist. pretty soon they discover that they have trouble communicating, and eeryone learns to open up, like it's some sort of great revelation, and the idea that this is any sort of solution to and problem completely baffles those of us from families in which everybody talks too damn much.

I am so wrecked already. so unstable. a piece of work who was never given the tools it takes to deal with shit but yet i laugh at other people, normal people, dealing with their problems (except for my friends of course). I dont have any emotional resilience. once, so long ago, i had it in me, but now it's too late. years of trauma have robbed me of that give, that elasticity that everyone else calls perspective and now, i dont even want it anymore. I believe there is an integrity to my intolerance to people's problems...and even my own. why does the rest of the world put up with intolerance? i dont know the answer. i only know that i can't. i dont want anymore of life's vicissitudes. i dont want anymore of this try try again stuff. i just want out. i've had it. i am so tired. i am only 22 and i'm already so exhausted. someway, i'll get my own back on the vicious whining world that has wrecked my life.

all this time i have learned the lessons of life. people will dump on you, even the ones you love. the world will do unspeakable things to you, even the ones you love. the only remedy is to be stong. then they would not merely leave you alone, they would bow and scrape at your feet and you could walk like a God among them, and you could drink deep from the cup of revenge.

Never sit in the front row of the ballet - if you get too close, it spoils the illusion.

I remember being in the hospital one eating lunch with Ann. I hadn't seen her at tall that day but she told the charge nurse to tell me that she'd eat lunch with me to #1) make sure I ate and #2) check in with me since she hadn't seen me all day. We were in the cafeteria next to the patio and I remember she heard Natalie Merchant's song "Wonder" on the Muzak. Ill never forget eating that cottage cheese and she said "You know, I heard this on the way in to work this morning and I listened to the words for the first time and it made me think of you. You've had doctors from other states and countries come see you over the past few years to observe you with Dr. Postman and Dr. Lehnert. You've had offers to go to talk shows and people wanted to know how you're here without even knowing everything. Imagine if they did know and how the papers would want to poke and prod you. ' I told her I'd hate that but I admitted I had felt like a guinea pig before with doctors observing me with Dr. Lehnert and Dr. Postman. And then she said, as the song kept playing, 'the rest of the words made me think of angels at your crib and angels at your bed protecting you as much as they could while you were little saying 'she'll make her way' I think this song is called Wonder? And maybe it's because I know you better than anyone, but you're not a wonder to me, you're a miracle'.

as long as you are alive, you have no choice to cope. there is no choice to cope. life happens as life goes on. u have to get up and put one foot in front of the other. what's cruel is that while u must cope as long as u are alive, u are flogged with the same torture that u already lived through. it's almost worse now because it hurts just as horrificly and years later u realize that it's never going to leave u. it didn't just hurt when it happened, it happens over and over and over again as u can't put things that bad out of your consciousness for very long. u realize that the same mind that gives u reason and function is also the cancer that is killing u over and over every day. it kills u every day, over and over yet u never die....unless u realize that death is the solution. is taking your own life selfish or it freedom? i suppose it's characterized by those that either take their lives or the ones left behind.

the rest is silence.

what people who have not experienced repeatitive sadistic torture don't understand is that it doesn't go away. it doesn't stop. u can mask it externally so tht the world doesn't see it, but internally it's a non-ending suffereing that doenst go away. the truly sadistic part is that your own brain doesn't let it stop - there are simply moments and times when u don't "think" about it, but it's always there. in terms of coping, there is no choice

cancer can be cured. trauma cannot. cancer is a wound. so is trauma. cancer can be removed. trauma cannot. cancer kills people. so does trauma...only trauma does it sloooooooowly and invisible while u appear "normal" to the world.

this just really really sucks. trauma is a an unseen wound that will fuck you up worse than almost anything. and there is no cure. just think of all of our incredible veterans who leave and are "normal" go off to war, and come home with PTSD, can't get right, and kill themselves because they can't deal with it and can't get right and don't know why. or for the rape victim 7 years later who doesn't know why they just can't feel alright. if you had a huge cut on your leg, you could take pain killers, stitch it up, have surgery and recover. but sometimes during treatment iit gets infected with a lethal staph infection, u go to the hospital, and no matter what anyone does....there is nothing u can do and u are going to die. trauma fucks you up waaaaay much more than that. the unseen wound. it's opening up this time of year for me.

so don't get mad or upset at me when i think of ways that have helped me feel better even if it's unconventional or seemingly self-harming. it's better than killing myself.

such as my FAVORITE piece of literature:"

"What of my soul? Do I have one? Or was that a part you left out? Who were these people of which I am comprised? Good people? Bad people? (...) Did you know I knew how to play this (flute)? In which part of me did this knowledge reside? In these hands? In this mind? In this heart? And reading and speaking. Not things learned so much as things... remembered. (...) Did you ever consider the consequences of your actions? (...) Who am I?"

i could easially write that in my journal and be my own words. and yet they are from my favorite book...mary shelley's frankenstein when the creature questions his creator.

as i am pieces of different people, did he even consider the consequences of his actions? i was created, like the creature. i am different people, like the creature. it's no wonder this has always been my favorite book and is in NO WAY a horror story. funny how the creature is smarter than dr. frankenstein by asking these questions. i relate to the creature and this book so much. unlike any other. i am truly a freak.

it's no wonder people always leave.


I've been putting off journaling but stuff like that makes it better. Here is another inspirational message I got after journaling earlier this week (and again, i will protect the persons privacy):

"Rhian, I know I haven't talked to you in years, but I have been "friends" with you from LiveJournal-Myspace-Facebook. I've read from your posts that you've been having a rougher time than usual lately and I just want to tell you to hang on. I've been through alot of trauma through my childhood and reading your posts and seeing how STRONG and BEAUTIFUL and AMAZING you are has made me more optimistic thinking ""if she's made it that far, I can too." Hang on Rhian, your'e a icon to people you don't even know. Stay strong."i won't say who sent this to me a few minutes ago for her own privacy unless she chooses to make herself known. but it was so beautiful and meant so much to me that i don't want to ever lose it and need to put it in my journal. to know that help, or effect people, LITERALLY across the country like this....it just helps. and it makes me so thankful that i have been able to help other people. that's what life is about. i'm still crying from how much this meant.

My journaling also inspired this lettter one time. "There's a woman I know, with the heart of an angel. She's helped more people than she'll ever realize. She's unique, brave, a survivor, beautiful, a friend, a sister, a loved one. She's got so many people who would do whatever she needed, drop anything, just for her to feel love and some sort of happiness for a moment in time. She's one of my closest friends even though I've never met her.

I wish she knew how much she meant to people around her. For me, I met her through a myspace forum. She had written a poem, and while reading it, I realized I had to rush to the hospital to read it to my dying Mom. They suffered from the same disorder, and I was hoping it was something that could help my Mom find strength to fight. When I read her the poem, my Mom was semi conscious, opened her eyes, and cried silently because she was on life support. So the friendship started after I emailed her telling her what her poem had done for my Mom and I.

Now she's hurting, and I want to do whatever I can to help. Living at the very opposite side of the country makes things difficult so I try to let her know she's a great friend, loved by many, and a survivor of something that many wouldn't have survived. That if she ever checked out early, she'd be greatly missed, but that it didn't make her weak.

Anyway, she's a great friend, and I wanted to tell her...All of her...these things and I'm thankful to have a friend like her."

That meant alot to read. So did this - who was from a VERY special person to me:

I would never, ever judge you. I truley care about you and want to know what you are thinking and feeling, if it werent for you Rhi Id probably had given up on my own daughter years ago. Mental illness is worse than cancer or aids, I cant imagine wihat you and my Heather go thru on a daily basis, all I know is this World is a better place with the 2 of you here. I wish you and Heather could meet one day ... she feels like she is the only person in the World like this. I envy you and your strength, you are gonna have weak days, you are entitled to that. Do you realize how many people you reach out to and touch with these blogs? I was reading thru all your blogs last night {with ears} of course & my heart was breaking for you yet at the same time my heart was smiling bc you are such a STRONG intelligent person. You have taken this disorder by the hand girl and YOU CONTROL it, it does NOT control you. You are so educated about all of it, Id love to see you doing thearpy one day ... something you should consider!!! Its okay to break down, its okay to go in the hospital, its okay to let someone take over and help you for a while ... iT IS OKAY TO BE "YOU" ... I want you in this life, please always do what you have to do to stay alive ... you make a difference in my life & I love you xoxo

That really got to me. It was no wonder that she was one of my best friends for 7 years. now i wonder how much she means of it since she deleted me from her life a few months ago.

Here's another one that inspired me to write before from "The Tricia" : " let me tell you! First off Psych Dog is amazing and to know what Taylor does is just incredible. And you ma'am, are amazing! You've shared details of your past that make my heart ache. I am so amazed by your strength. You may not think or feel like you're strong but YOU ARE!!!!! I follow your newsfeed everyday. I saw that you spoke to a room full of doctors about your life. I saw that you had a panic attack. I prayed for you immediately and I just knew you would pull through and teach that room full of doctors what you're all about. I have learned more and more about strength from you just through Facebook. I see that sometimes you have bad days and rough things happen. And sometimes you don't feel like journaling but then I see that you re-gain your footing, pick yourself right back up and start again. You're a fighter, Rhian! And I admire you so much! Thank you for being you!
I know it's hard right now. But I KNOW you'll find your voice. I KNOW you'll find your inner strength. You can get Psych Dog rebooted and rolling! I know you can. It's ok to be scared. I'm scared all the time, especially when it comes to setting and achieving goals, but I force myself to do it. If I fail, I fight harder. I can tell you have so much determination in you but you just don't feel it right now. Your motivation and determination will resurface and when they do... LOOK OUT WORLD!!! Rhian, it's going to be ok. Sadly, people let us down. It's happened to me recently but the way I see it, it's her loss. I'm an awesome friend and she's not. I refuse to be mad about it. Holding a grudge against someone is like letting someone live rent free in your head. I refuse to let that happen!
I read the safety contract. Dr. Konzer cared about you and wants the best for you. That's why she drew up that contract. I'm glad she did, b/c I get to chat w/ you! Who knows what could've happened if she didn't. I could've missed out on being friends w/ someone great!!! And yes, I follow your newsfeed. I like to check on ya! smile I also check up on D to see how he is.
Just go to bed knowing that you are prayed for and loved and thought of VERY highly!"

So, not being inspired to journal lately, after reading that i realize that i should journal, even if it's just to help other people.

Chrissie Caster: Rhi you need to journal, RHIAN needs to journal ... this will keep Laken away and keep YOU focused ... even if you are just writing the ABC's or numbers ... its something keepn you pre occupied I will make you a deal ... if Laken cuts off your hair then I will cut off mine (with that being said, you KNOW I LOVE my hair and I KNOW you will not let that happen to either of us ;o) My heart breaks for you ... wish I could make things better for you

Janna even used to get on me about it: "don't try, just do it"

And my big sister Tina kicks my butt to journal sometimes: " No I love you because you are a hard ass and strong but not being a bully. I know you are hurting but you don't need to hurt yourself or anyone else to get that across. Please just journal. Love you.

You MIGHT be in the hospital it is not definite. Love you sweetie.

Have you done any writing yet? Please journal. ♥ ♥"

ok...ya'll want me to journal....

"how many fates turn around in the overtime?" that was written by tori amos. but it's true. not to be on an amanda marshall kick, but one of the songs my brother wrote for her is called "let it rain". yes, it's based on a true story. if u want to see the video, check it on youtube. he wrote it about something that happened to me that i confided in him a long time ago. sometimes it doesn't seem so long. in fact, during this time of year it flogs me every second of every minute of every hour of every day. i dont talk about it. i've talked about it maybe....six or seven times in my life- that includes three times in the past four months. twice with Langley and once with dr. konzer. i used to write poems about it, but i wouldn't talk about it. then my brother wrote a song about it.

"it's not a cross it is a choice, i cannot help but hear her voicei only wish that i could listen without shamelet it rain on me.

i have been a witness to the perfect crimewiped a grin upon my face to hide the blameit isn't worth the tears you cry to have a perfect alabaisyou're beaten by the hands of his own game

it isn't easy to be kind with all the demons in my mindi only hope one day, i'll be freei do my best not to complainmy face is dirty from the paini only hope one day, i'll come cleanrain on me

come take my hand we can walk to the lightand without fear we can see through the darkest nightrain on me"

there is NO ONE on the planet that knows what that story is about except for a few that i've told... dr lehnert, ann dodelin, my brother, tamtini, langley and now dr. konzer. well, maybe slinkeyhead knows but i don't know if she does or not. when i talked about it in july with langley she said that i should write a letter. a couple weeks ago dr. konzer said the same thing. and so maybe i think that i'll try to do that and see what happens.

i wrote about it in my journal ONCE. this is what i wrote:

for a job well done he raped me. I guess i was a good girl.

Providence is the will of God. There are no coincidences. Two months later I lost the key to that girls life. I coldnt find it. I couldnt help her. I couldnt stop waht happened. I could only sit and watch and do what he told me to do.

I Can't stop thinking about itIt fills me with uneaseOut in Pennsylvaina by the roadside something's buriedUnder sycamore leaves

Wet grounds, late NovemberThe foliage of the treesHe killed her right there in front of meAnd buried her under sycamore leaves

And though I couldn't help her And her parents will never see

Not being able to save her

Is the greatest sin inside of me...

like i said, i don't talk about it. it's too hard. yet it flogs me every second during this time of year because of the leaves on the trees. it triggers me and that's why i'm so out of control this time of year. it's like every single leaf that falls is another time the whip of that memory flogs me and stings my soul.

it was thanksgiving break, 4th grade. my mom had left the day after thanksgiving. my stepdad took me to the montgomery village mall and he kidnapped a little girl that was probably a year or two younger than me. he drove us up to my family's property (on my mom's side of the family, not my daddy's side) in pennsylvania and after tying me to a tree and shooting at me while she had to watch (he never hit me, just shot in the tree and beside me so that he could terrify me and the girl i think)...after he did that, he started raping her. she was so tired that she couldn't resist anymore. trauma does that to some people. he dug a hole (grave), put her in it, then he made me cut her hair, rape her with a small stick (while telling me that i was going to be dead in 10 minutes then he was going to kill my family), then he ripped out her nails, and while i was petrified with terror he cut her throat right in front of me in the hole (grave) that she was in. with all of the shit that he's ever done to me, nothing compares to this. i've seen him kill other people and i've seen horrific things done to kids and adults (fingers and toes cut off, people shot, being put in boiling water, stabbed, you name it) but this is the one thing that i can't get out of my head.

she never had a chance. and i know that somewhere in the world, nameless strangers that are her parents are wondering what happened to her and i don't know if it's a curse or a blessing that they won't know the horrible way in which she died. she never got to see her parents again. she never got to have a chance. yes, i shot him dead three and a half years later and he was never able to hurt me or anyone else ever again. but it doesn't change that day. and me not being able to save her, and killing him, is what killed my sister. it's karma. it's my core. it's the thing that keeps me up at night. it's the nightmare i have. it's what flogs me this time of year. and i never think about it. but it's there. my brain literally doesn't let me even think about it or remember it except for if it comes up in therapy when langly asked "if there was one thing u could change from everything, what would it be?" to which i answered "i would've saved her somehow". and it's because i didn't which makes me feel like i'm responsible for her dying. and then i killed him, and because i'm responsible for so much death, my sister was murdered.

everyone always tells me that i was young and that i couldnt've done anything because i was so small. yeah, that's true. but maybe i could've done something. maybe i could've killed him then somehow before he killed her. maybe i could've helped her run away. i dunno. i just feel like it's my fault somehow even though everyone tells me that it's not.

so to help with this, lit's been suggested that i write a letter to the girl. and dr. konzer suggested the same thing and added that maybe what i could do it attach it to a balloon and let it go to heaven with her.

i was going to do that right now. but just writing this little bit about it hurts too much and i don't think i can do it now. i almost had enough strength, but it got zapped out of me writing this so far. so maybe next time i try to write the letter, instead of writing a prelude, i'll just write the letter. maybe. maybe i won't ever write it. maybe it'll be a few days or months or years. that's ok. but i want to. dr. konzer said in the letter that i should just write eveything that i wish that i could tell her. i was an accomplice in taking her life so i guess that's the least i could do for her....and yet it's too draining and takes all my strength when i consciously think about it (because for the first time in my life i'm not taking painkillers to or antidepressants to numb myself).

and so i understand why it's so hard this year since i'm not numbing myself at all.....and so since i'm not numbing it, and since i'm so much better than i was in 4th grade when it happened, this is literally the first time i'm ever really feeling it and dealing with it. and that's why i'm having a hard time this year.

i can't believe i just wrote all of this. if ur reading this, u have no idea how much work this was for me. time to listen to the goo goo dolls to help me feel better (except for "slide" - ya'll do know that song isn't a happy song and that it's about abortion, right? - 'dont' u love the life u killed") the truth is, i never knew that girls name, i dont know who she was, or anything about her. i can imagine how scared she was because i've experienced everything she did except that moment when she died. i don't know who died more that day....she died a physical death and it's killed me every second of every day, i just have to relive it. i guess i am the "lucky" one becaause at least i'm alive to be hurt by it every day.