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jess is putting me in the hospital :(

i am trying to be objective about this because if i think that it's me, i'm gonna do something waaaaaaaay bad before there's even a chance for this to happen. but i promised my soul-sister that i'd help her do this as much as i humanly can. and while she is the best mother i have ever known about in the world, she's gonna have to put those instincts in front of her emotions cos otherwise this isn't going to work.

i found out tonight that i'm being put in the hospital on tuesday morning --- say around 9am ish.  what exactly is happening? well, my soul-sister//best friend jessica is putting me in the hospital. see, i trust her more than i've ever trusted anyone else in my life and she is legally my durable and healthcare power-of-attorney. what does that mean? it means that she can legally do anything i can do. she can open up accounts, spend money, enroll in things, ANYTHING that a regular human being can do --- in my name. she wanted it that way and i wanted it that way when i was approached about it and honestly i'm thankful to Abba above it because i know that she loves me more than anyone else ever has in my life and i trust her, and only her (aside from dr. konzer) with my life.

but with that comes some unintended things ---- like my primary care doctor telling me three weeks ago that there was no way in the world she wanted me out of a monitored 24 hour facility and that i either needed to be in the hospital or in assisted living.  well, when u take that and take my best friend saying that she's scared to death for me to be alone, doesn't want me walking very far because of the osteoperosis and being dissociated, not sleeping for 4 nights in a row on a regular basis, cutting my wrists cos i couldn't tell if i was real or not and upset about maámma dying last week and being triggered from that about my sister's murder, being scared shitless to go to sleep because my PTSD is activated and i'm hypervigilant and afraid someone is going to rape me or kill me in my sleep -- - not eating for days, not taking a shower for a week or longer, puking, and cutting over the scar from my operation because its yet another scar some strange man put on me and it triggered me to look at it, it doens't add up to me being safe out in the world. 

the trick is keeping myself in a non-panic mode from now until she takes me.  the fact that i dunno if it'll be in the morning or on tuesday morning isn't good. if it's NOT tomorrow i would advise that someone ask me to promise that i won't do something stupid before i see her again.  just being honest. 

i knkow she's going to call my doctor tomorrow.  and also a hospital group that i've never been to.  the problem is that ever since i've lived in charlotte ive always dealth with novant since dr. jayne and dr. konzer work there.  but dr. konzer can't be my doctor now (which SUCKS ASS) and can only be a consulting psychiatrist that's treated me before.  in fact, it wouldn't surprise me if dr. jayne ends up calling her if she's working tomorrow. but novant doctors don't usually want to deal with me anymore so i dunno.  and to be honest, i can't be on the main unit if i go there. i NEED to be on the lower floor that only has 12 beds on the ward so that it's caaaaalm the whole time and i don't stress.  

i quite literally feel like i'm helping to plan my own execution. after all, i'm helping someone plan how to put me on a locked unit. do u know how fucking helpless that makes me feel being on one? and what's the ONE thing the activates me --- -- feeling helpless.  so this is a tightrope for me to walk. i just keep imagining that we're setting it up for someone else and i'm like, some consultant so that we plan for everything and dont let the person slip through the cracks in any way.  saying all my own tricks (like saying we should make me promise i won't do something stupid if we don't go until tuesday) is crazy if i think that i'm giving the enemy information to use against me.  but even though i feel like i'm going to be executed and lie my ass off to stay out of the hospital, i promised her that i'd go.  and when the words "i feel like i'm being stabbed in the heart from being a failure by being there' were said, and she said,  'why don't u try to see it as i'm trying to take the knife out of ur heart for the first time', well, that made me lose it.  how could i ever fight against that? i can't. the person i trust the most in the world, my soul sister, my best friend, the ONE person i trust -- -- after she says that to me, how am i supposed to put up a fight?  and Abba forbid she uses a 'for me' on me becuase she knows there's nothing i wouldn't ever do for her. i dunno. i don't wanna talk about this anymore. 

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